I know who you are

Speaking and expressing yourself in another language is hard, and takes a lot of time and practice. It means being willing to mess up, laugh at yourself, analyze yourself, and listen while other people speak. I was talking to my friend Emily the other day and we were talking about our joys and struggles over the past two months. We were talking about the difficulty of expressing ourselves in Spanish and how that has changed over the past two months. It is true that it is very hard to express yourself in another language, and sometimes I think spending time in a Spanish speaking culture before being able to speak Spanish has hindered me in some ways. When there is someone around me that I can depend I am more likely to let them do the speaking, or when there are others around me that speak Spanish better than more likely not to speak. I realize when speaking Spanish I say fewer words to express things, because #1 it is harder, and #2 I don't know all the words, phrases, and sayings that I do in English. Though I have become very close with my host family over the past two months, I feel that the actual Brianna has not been showing until the last couple weeks as my speaking, comprehension, and confidence has grown.

Another student and I were talking about being assertive, and I stated that I struggle with being assertive in Spanish, because it is something that I learned to do in English, and now I feel like a toddler again, learning to speak all over again, and it takes baby steps.

It always makes me laugh when I think of the tias in Ecuador and how they thought I was a quiet timid person and that Natasha my companion was the loud talkative person. We laughed together because we knew this description of us was not accurate, since coming here I have felt myself falling into this category more than once of being quiet and timid. Then when I start feeling comfortable in a situation I feel myself beginning to show, but then there are always the different accents that I am not sure I will understand, or if there will be a lot of background noise that makes it difficult to understand, or will I feel rushed which makes it harder for words to form, and other doubts and real life circumstances that happen to make comprehension and speaking in a second language difficult.

Being in a country that is foreign to you in language and culture is a huge challenge, and I think sometimes the only way to realize how much it changes you is to go back to "your normal" or "the known". I am excited and scared to go back home and realize once again how much I have changed and grown over the past couple of months. One thing that has been a comfort to me is knowing that Jesus Christ knows exactly who I am, He knows my thought, and the desires of my heart far better than I. I don't have to explain myself or have words to express. He is my greatest friend and lover of my soul.

Romans 8:31-35
And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom He predestined He also called, and those whom He called He also justified, and those whom He justified He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died - more than that, who was raised - who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?